Kaoru (froggie_girlkel) wrote in snc_ec_girls,

A laughable lesson learned

fantom07 asked me to post this poem she wrote. She's at work and doesn't not have internet access.

Detox and the Paranoid Drunk

Come gather 'round children
I'll tell you a tale
About a young freshie
Drunk off BIG wop and ale.
It's the stupidest story
You'd ever had thunk.
It's the ballad of Detox,
The Paranoid Drunk.

'Twas the Seventeenth of March
back in the year of Ought Ought
A day of much revelry
And drinking a lot.
Our heroine, Meg,
With friend Sarah in tow
Both had craptacular spring breaks
So to a queen picking they did go.

They got down to the basement
And were handed their cups.
"Here's to our ovaries!
Now quick - bottoms up!"
They slammed down their drinks
Just like two dollar whores
Looked at each other
Then went back for more.

Fifteen minutes later
5 cups each had been downed
Sarah and Meg had been busy
There were going to town.
"Sarah!" Meg cried
As she stepped from the john
"Meg!" replied Sarah,
Who was totally gone.

"I'm so drunk!" slurred Meg
"So am I!" Sarah cried
"But we need to stop drinking!"
"I agree!" Meg lied.
"So we swear on our hearts
And our uteri dear
That we'll drink no more tonight!
Oh hey look! THERE'S BEER!"

That's when it was decided
To take the girls home
Meg was put to bed
And then left alone.
The room started spinning
Her tummy did curls
She ran to the bathroom
Where she began to hurl.

Her gastronomic pyrotechnics
Were drawing a crowd
Of supportive onlookers
Who would encourage out loud.
For an hour and a half
To the porcelain god she prayed
Her friend Alli was watching
In case Meg had to be saved.

Meg was now feeling nasty
And so she went to the showers
And curled up on the floor
For what felt like hours
The room was still spinning
And Alli was talking
To make sure Meg was still alive
And not out cold zonking.

And all Meg could think of
Was about her poor little liver
The body's poison defense
And it made her quiver.
She knew about alcohol
And the dangers it brings
She was studying this in biology
And was thinking scary things.

She called out to Alli
"I think I'm in trouble
Why don't you get the RA on duty
Get her down here on the double."
So the RA called the Hall Director
Who then called campus safety
Who then brought paramedics
Who weren't all that hasty.

They sat up the drunken Meg
And looked into her eyes
And asked her some questions
And got their replies.
They pulled out the breathalyzer
And whispered to her low
"All you have to do
is put your lips together and blow!"

Now point one would mean
That you're still legal to drive
And "lightly buzzed if anything"
Registers at point zero five.
And Meg who thought
That she was inching towards heaven
Had a blood alcohol content
Of point zero seven.

The paramedics laughed
And they put her to bed
The room was still spinning
And it hurt her head
In the morning she awoke
And remembered it all
And was not eagerly awaiting
The Hall directors call.

And so my children
Heed my advice
Don't slam BIG wop
And you'll be alright
Drink down your water
And don't be like Meg
Just take some advil
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